Take the Damn Wheel

Man, life can be rough.  So rough and so confusing, that I sometimes wish a manual will fall out of the sky, my name bolded on the cover, with inside details on how to navigate this thing we call life.  But I’m sorry to say that no such hard cover ever graced me with its presence, so I’ve been doing this shit the hard way. Falling forward so to speak. It’s been a ride so far, guys.

In today’s society we have such a paradox of choice, and I’ve realized that many times, less is in fact, more.  We are constantly bombarded with people telling us who to be and how to be it, what to do, where to go, how to get there, what to eat, what to not eat, what to look like, what to sound like, and social media and all its fancy pretend, makes sure we know we are doing it wrong- basically 90% of the time.  So, when I say less is more, I mean that all of these myriads of options, can often create an ever burning anxiety inside of us.  What if we choose the wrong thing?  What if we take the wrong path and end up not realizing our ultimate potential?? What if we disappoint the people around us? It's almost impossible to drown out the noise and hear that voice inside of us, even if its starts screaming. The “more”, really ends up shutting a lot of us down.  Overwhelmed with fear of picking the wrong thing- we just stay stuck.  Sound familiar?  Ya, it does to me too.

So many people, at one point in our journey, let life grab the wheel.  We stop being intentional and we sort of give up our steering wheel and we sit all bitter in the passenger seat, arms folded, wondering what that little gross and empty feeling inside of our chest is.  We look out the window, and we watch things passing us by- not realizing it’s the yearning to be in the driver’s seat that’s causing us to feel that nagging disconnect. We’ve looked around, scoped out the scene, and decided what everyone needs us to be… and then we became it.  Our seatbelts on tight- we think, hey maybe it’s better to follow that clear path, and get to any destination safely, rather than taking the much rougher and bumpier ride to the right destination.  We swallow that little voice that’s whispering inside our guts- you’re going the wrong way… stop… pull over….

But eventually, for some of us, that whisper starts to scream.  It can scream emptiness, or it can scream rage. It can scream sadness. Because for some of us, being behind the wheel, no matter how scary, no matter how many wrong turns we take or how many pot holes we slam our tires into- is the only way to get to our own personal truth and happiness.  To navigate your own path takes an immense amount of courage, fortitude and resilience and sometimes, it’s just easier to let life drive.  It’s easier to let the opinions and guidance from others take over, than it is to trust your gut and where you’re headed. The trouble is, that people’s opinions are often unreliable in the scope on someone's own personal growth and journey, and can often become dream crusher’s.

When was the last time you took your foot off the pedal, slowed down, and asked yourself- what do I really want?  Have you ever? Or do you just wake up and live the same day over and over again and wonder when you stopped following your passions?  How well do you even know yourself anymore?  I’m in my early forties and I’ve only recently realized, I don’t really know me anymore.  I know the old me, the me before kids- but I’ve grown a bit since then, and I’m a different person now. I’ve spent so many years acting like the person I thought everyone needed me to be…  I let life drive, for so long.  Too long.  And listen, I love my life and feel so much gratitude for all that I have. In fact, the reason I lasted so long in that performance space is because I love my kids and my family so much. It was easy to put all of my focus and energy on them and it made me truly happy to immerse myself in all of their activities.  But, at the same time, I envied the moms/dads/ adults who manage to hold onto their own personal pursuits in the process of life’s responsibilities.  I think it’s really important and healthy to find the right balance. Or else, you end up where I am, fortysomething and only just now getting back into the driver’s seat. What tipped the scale for me? Why am I all of a sudden tuning into that voice?

I recently watched my daughter walk away from what most people would consider a “dream” job.  She was offered her first professional contract as a dancer at 19 years old.  But when she got there, she quickly realized it was not the experience she needed at this stage in her career.  She loved the people and loved the space, she just knew in her guts she had let others opinions take her to a path that wasn't for her. The more she tried to ignore the twist in her guts, the more it twisted. She knew people would have opinions on her coming back home.  “This is my life mom, I’ve worked so hard for my dreams and goals, worked so hard to get to where I am and right now, I know this isn’t for me”.  She just knew.  At the young age of 19, and with the pressure of everyone’s expectations on her- she was brave enough to listen to the voice in her head telling her she needed to pursue other paths.  When she got home, it was like I watched her grow and change in front of me. I watched her trust in herself grow and deepen, almost before my eyes. She seemed so happy and for the first time since she was 7, she took time to breathe and figure out what she really wanted. Opportunities that aligned with her true passions were just around the corner. Now she is happier than I've seen her in a long time and it's been a beautiful thing to watch.  I both envy and admire the level of courage it took to drown out the noise and know what she needed to do for her.  I aspire to that level of self knowing.

My son, an athlete who excelled in any sport he touched had a similar situation happen when he was getting ready to graduate from high school. He was a talented soccer player and was even offered some great scholarships, and he knew the expectation of many people is that he should go to college. He would talk to me and tell me how much pressure he felt to jump in line and go to school, or to jump into his career he had trained for with his vocational school. But his passion for the outdoors, for fishing and mastering the art of fly fishing had grabbed him when he was little and all he knew was that his life call was to be sharing that passion with the world. He didn't know how he'd make that happen. He still doesn't have a map or a clear cut way. He just knows it's what he needs to do. The comfort of the path well worn has called to him, as it does all of us, but always leaves him feeling empty and lackluster. The point is, many people won't understand your choices. If you're waiting to get approval from those around you, plan on never taking one step forward. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. This is your life. His passion and the way he speaks of his adventures inspires me and reminds me what it feels like to pursue the things that light you up from the inside out.

Something I’ve also learned over the last few years is that those who choose to find their own way and work to create a life that feels right for them, don’t have time to worry about what other people are doing.  They’re too busy working on their own stuff. Another cool byproduct of daring to drive yourself. Keeping up with the Jones’s becomes empty and meaningless once you know what it feels like to pursue your true purpose.  None of that white noise matters.

Putting yourself out there in the world, unapologetically yourself, can cause a lot of pain, confusion and self-doubt even. I watch my kids and despite the uncertainty that comes with blazing your own trail, something magical happens too.  The armor you build when your brave enough to trust yourself is a life tool.  It’s hard. SO hard. You will doubt yourself at times, but you’ll choose to stay the course.  You’ll feel tired but choose to keep going.  You’ll be defeated but not deterred.  That life.  That sort of life calls to me and I can almost feel it inside of my bones and no one can tell me that’s not worth pursuing. 

This next part of life, I want to know me again.  I want to give myself permission to get back in the driver’s seat and start driving my path.  Whatever that may be. Even though it’s hard and messy and even when I know it’s going to take a lot of courage, I want to start to steer for myself again.

Have you ever felt this way? Felt that tug at your soul? Do you ever hear that voice telling you to stop and listen, almost like a ghost that’s haunting you. If so, you’re not alone.

Here’s to 2024.  To falling forward and finding tiny but brave ways to take control back and to trust that our guts don’t ever tell us the wrong things.  Here’s to shutting off our phones and focusing back on ourselves and writing down the things we wish to pursue this year- both big and small. Here’s to sitting in the quiet and hearing what our body and soul is trying to tell us and being brave enough to know that we’re capable of listening (and what we're capable of).

This is how we go through it guys. In the driver’s seat, our hands on 10 and 2.  

Love, Nikki